I write this with tears running down my cheeks. Today is what would have been your forty-first birthday. Even as you got older, you grew more beautiful and even though cancer was taking it’s toll on your body and mind, you still held it all so gracefully. There will be get-togethers to remember you. Friends and family sharing memories, but they will not be the same because they will lack that youthful laugh and smile and the little crinkle around the corners of your eyes.
I sometimes find myself reaching out for you or looking expectantly at the door, waiting for you to make your entrance, knowing full well, that you are not here anymore. I can hear your voice. It hangs there on the wind, or on the edge of whatever other noise is being made. I’ll turn and strain to listen harder. The following silence hurts. I talk to you at night before I go to sleep. Lilly and I will say “hi” in our prayers. She will, every once in a while, just yell out, “I love you, Mommy,” especially if she’s happy about something. She asks if you will come back and I bite my lip and tell her, “no.” She will then tell me that she knows that Mama is in Heaven with Grandpa Jim, and the cats, Jade and Tigger. She’s only seen Tigger in photos. She loves to watch videos and look at photos of her and Mama. Some videos she will play over and over. She has just the hint of a smile on her lips when she does. We all have smiles when we think of you.
Carroll, I don’t know if this will ever end, but I pray to God that as time goes by it gets easier. You were taken from this Earth too early. We were supposed to grow old together and watch our child grow into a wonderful loving young woman. I know that she still will, but there are too many things that you were to teach her that I can’t. I know we’ll make it, but it doesn’t change the fact, that you are not here. You have to watch from the sidelines, though I’ve heard the stadium seating where you are is “heavenly.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to turn into a whiney post, but I just needed to vent. I only wanted to tell you that I miss my best friend and soul mate and love to end all loves. I miss you and happy birthday. Your faithful and loving husband, James.